THE TAUS TOP TEN: Greatest Lies In Life

This is a new segment I am trying to add to my blog. It is a top 10 segment. For now, I'll call it: "The TAUS TOP TEN" -or- "The T-T-T"       ---------We'll see how it goes. First off, the TAUS TOP TEN GREATEST LIES IN LIFE:

THE TAUS TOP 10 GREATEST LIES IN LIFE:

®    10. Oh, no thank you, I already donated.

®    9. This one has a 1600 thread count

®    8. I don’t usually do this, but…

®    7. I’ve been really busy.

®    6. Sorry man, we just finished the last of the cocaine.

®    5. It’s so good to see you!

®    4. He’s a rescue.

®    3. Of course I remember you!

®    2. The check is in the mail

®    1. I’ll pull out.

The Bachelor Goes Black Part 3

The Bachelor Goes Black Part 2

The Bachelor Goes Black Part 1

JESUS vs. MOSES Walking Competition:

JESUS vs. MOSES Walking Competition: Jesus and Moses are each leading a girl scout troop through the dessert, side-by-side. They come across a huge body of water. They each look at each other and say with their eyes, "Fuck, how are we gonna do this?" Because at this point, they can't back out. No, they've got people following them. So Jesus starts taunting Moses: "What are you gonna do now, Moses? Big body of water. Big huge ocean, can't cross it, millions of people following you. What are you gonna do?" Moses doesn't respond. Jesus continues to taunt and brag to Moses, "I think I'm just gonna glide over it, dude. Yeah, that's right. I have magical powers. I'm just gonna walk over. How bout you, Moishey? What are YOU GONNA DO NOW?!" Moses turns to his troop and Jesus and says: "Uhhhhh .. we're goin' through the water. I got my stick, you all got your hopes and dreams, Jesus has got his crazy, zaney-ass idea about walking over the water or some bull-shit like that. Ya, you go do that, Jesus, we'll be right here when you get back from failing at walking over the water. Or, no, wait, actually, we won't be right here. We'll probably meet you when were walking through the water well probly see you on the sides, you know, DROWNING! We're just gonna go through. Come on, ladies, when there's a will, there's a way. Were the jews, were gonna stick together, if you can dream it you can jew it, were gonna walk jew the water, through the water, were gonna just jew through the water, we are gonna just jew the water.that's how you jew the water. That, my friends, that is hwo you Jew water. okay, you just part seas, and jew through, to the other side! fuck ya, LETS GO!" And then they sang the Me-cha-mo-cha. The End.

BROKE JOKE$

The good thing about having a credit card is like at least I don’t have to see the money leaving my account. Atleast I don’t have to physically participate in the draining of my funds. I don’t have to pay with cash so at least im not counting my money away, like all the money that im fucking wasting. Like... atleast its just like “ oh just take the card, take the card, I don’t even wanna know how much it is, its gonna make me cry, just take the card.” I’d rather pay with the card because its less painful. With each dollar bill I count out, I die a little on the inside.

Do I want a receipt? FUCK YA I DO! You better give me a receipt. And it's not because I'm keeping any records of this, it's because I spent all this money just now so you better give me SOMETHING!

I’m a smart jew. I always save my recepts, spending 52 dollars on pump 4, I’ts like fuck just give me something! you know just give me something to hold on to, a receipt, a candy wrapper, a leaf, anything that’s worth something anything that has some monetary value, just gimme something!

ROCKSTAR has gone BIPOLAR

ROCKSTAR ENERGY DRINKS just came out with a new product. It's called, "RELAX." So after years of marketing drinks designed to rev you up, they finally realized, "WOW, what have we done? Our consumers are just getting way to cracked out, let's try to calm them down..." ----Rockstar: What goes up, must come down.

Rockstar: Feel the high, feel the low

Rockstar Energy Drink: Keeping America on a Consistent Cycle of Uppers and Downers.

Which makes me a little suspicious and want to ask The Rockstar Company: "Whose side are you REALLY on?"

That G-d Damn Microsoft Word Paperclip

The Microsoft Word Paperclip is there as a virtual office assistant to help you with your writing. As a professional writer, I am a bit offended when "Clippy" the paperclip tries to help me:

Clippy just interrupted me and said, "Looks like your trying to write a joke. I've taken the liberty to help you out with your stand-up comedy routine. Are you sure your attitude on that topic is relate-able? Cause I came up with a few different points of view and heres what I got...."

"Oh, I get it, Mr. Paperclip... EVERYONE'S a comedian these days, huh? Well, if you think your current job at IP address 126831420910 is your ticket into show business..... THINK AGAIN, YOU IGNORANT PIECE OF ANIMATED METAL!

I'm worried that the paperclip is trying to steal my jokes.

I'm gonna turn on the TV and see the fucking paperclip doing my "Jesus Walks" joke on Jay Leno.

I just wanna touch it [MORE FOOTAGE FOR THE PILOT FOR ANIMAL PLANET]

Pilot for Animal Planet/Discovery Channell

JESUS WALKS VS MOSES WALKING kanyewestjoke

Dear Kanye: Jesus walks?! Lemme tell you something, "Jesus Walks." I'm Jewish and I think we need to save some of that credibility for MOSES. Like, I dont know how many steps Jesus took before he was crossed off, but MOSES, That mother-fucker WALKED! So I think if we could just work together and change the name Jesus to Moses your song might break some ground with the Jewish audience. Killer beat though. Keep doing what you do


******KANYE WEST IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE READING THIS PLEASE NOTE THAT I AM A COMEDIAN AND AM ONLY MAKING A JOKE. I'M A BIG FAN OF ALL YOUR MUSIC. YOU SPEAK TO ME AND INSPIRE ME WITH EVERY RAP. I HOPE TO ONE DAY BE ALMOST AS SUCCESSFULL AND BALLER AS YOU ARE. MUCH RESPECT AND LOVE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR INSPIRATION! -JOYCE TAUS