BROKE JOKE$

The good thing about having a credit card is like at least I don’t have to see the money leaving my account. Atleast I don’t have to physically participate in the draining of my funds. I don’t have to pay with cash so at least im not counting my money away, like all the money that im fucking wasting. Like... atleast its just like “ oh just take the card, take the card, I don’t even wanna know how much it is, its gonna make me cry, just take the card.” I’d rather pay with the card because its less painful. With each dollar bill I count out, I die a little on the inside.

Do I want a receipt? FUCK YA I DO! You better give me a receipt. And it's not because I'm keeping any records of this, it's because I spent all this money just now so you better give me SOMETHING!

I’m a smart jew. I always save my recepts, spending 52 dollars on pump 4, I’ts like fuck just give me something! you know just give me something to hold on to, a receipt, a candy wrapper, a leaf, anything that’s worth something anything that has some monetary value, just gimme something!

ROCKSTAR has gone BIPOLAR

ROCKSTAR ENERGY DRINKS just came out with a new product. It's called, "RELAX." So after years of marketing drinks designed to rev you up, they finally realized, "WOW, what have we done? Our consumers are just getting way to cracked out, let's try to calm them down..." ----Rockstar: What goes up, must come down.

Rockstar: Feel the high, feel the low

Rockstar Energy Drink: Keeping America on a Consistent Cycle of Uppers and Downers.

Which makes me a little suspicious and want to ask The Rockstar Company: "Whose side are you REALLY on?"

That G-d Damn Microsoft Word Paperclip

The Microsoft Word Paperclip is there as a virtual office assistant to help you with your writing. As a professional writer, I am a bit offended when "Clippy" the paperclip tries to help me:

Clippy just interrupted me and said, "Looks like your trying to write a joke. I've taken the liberty to help you out with your stand-up comedy routine. Are you sure your attitude on that topic is relate-able? Cause I came up with a few different points of view and heres what I got...."

"Oh, I get it, Mr. Paperclip... EVERYONE'S a comedian these days, huh? Well, if you think your current job at IP address 126831420910 is your ticket into show business..... THINK AGAIN, YOU IGNORANT PIECE OF ANIMATED METAL!

I'm worried that the paperclip is trying to steal my jokes.

I'm gonna turn on the TV and see the fucking paperclip doing my "Jesus Walks" joke on Jay Leno.

I just wanna touch it [MORE FOOTAGE FOR THE PILOT FOR ANIMAL PLANET]

Pilot for Animal Planet/Discovery Channell

JESUS WALKS VS MOSES WALKING kanyewestjoke

Dear Kanye: Jesus walks?! Lemme tell you something, "Jesus Walks." I'm Jewish and I think we need to save some of that credibility for MOSES. Like, I dont know how many steps Jesus took before he was crossed off, but MOSES, That mother-fucker WALKED! So I think if we could just work together and change the name Jesus to Moses your song might break some ground with the Jewish audience. Killer beat though. Keep doing what you do


******KANYE WEST IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE READING THIS PLEASE NOTE THAT I AM A COMEDIAN AND AM ONLY MAKING A JOKE. I'M A BIG FAN OF ALL YOUR MUSIC. YOU SPEAK TO ME AND INSPIRE ME WITH EVERY RAP. I HOPE TO ONE DAY BE ALMOST AS SUCCESSFULL AND BALLER AS YOU ARE. MUCH RESPECT AND LOVE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR INSPIRATION! -JOYCE TAUS