Urban Animal Planet [Pilot Rough Cut]

THE TAUS TOP TEN: Greatest Lies In Life

This is a new segment I am trying to add to my blog. It is a top 10 segment. For now, I'll call it: "The TAUS TOP TEN" -or- "The T-T-T"       ---------We'll see how it goes. First off, the TAUS TOP TEN GREATEST LIES IN LIFE:

THE TAUS TOP 10 GREATEST LIES IN LIFE:

®    10. Oh, no thank you, I already donated.

®    9. This one has a 1600 thread count

®    8. I don’t usually do this, but…

®    7. I’ve been really busy.

®    6. Sorry man, we just finished the last of the cocaine.

®    5. It’s so good to see you!

®    4. He’s a rescue.

®    3. Of course I remember you!

®    2. The check is in the mail

®    1. I’ll pull out.

The Bachelor Goes Black Part 3

The Bachelor Goes Black Part 2

The Bachelor Goes Black Part 1

JESUS vs. MOSES Walking Competition:

JESUS vs. MOSES Walking Competition: Jesus and Moses are each leading a girl scout troop through the dessert, side-by-side. They come across a huge body of water. They each look at each other and say with their eyes, "Fuck, how are we gonna do this?" Because at this point, they can't back out. No, they've got people following them. So Jesus starts taunting Moses: "What are you gonna do now, Moses? Big body of water. Big huge ocean, can't cross it, millions of people following you. What are you gonna do?" Moses doesn't respond. Jesus continues to taunt and brag to Moses, "I think I'm just gonna glide over it, dude. Yeah, that's right. I have magical powers. I'm just gonna walk over. How bout you, Moishey? What are YOU GONNA DO NOW?!" Moses turns to his troop and Jesus and says: "Uhhhhh .. we're goin' through the water. I got my stick, you all got your hopes and dreams, Jesus has got his crazy, zaney-ass idea about walking over the water or some bull-shit like that. Ya, you go do that, Jesus, we'll be right here when you get back from failing at walking over the water. Or, no, wait, actually, we won't be right here. We'll probably meet you when were walking through the water well probly see you on the sides, you know, DROWNING! We're just gonna go through. Come on, ladies, when there's a will, there's a way. Were the jews, were gonna stick together, if you can dream it you can jew it, were gonna walk jew the water, through the water, were gonna just jew through the water, we are gonna just jew the water.that's how you jew the water. That, my friends, that is hwo you Jew water. okay, you just part seas, and jew through, to the other side! fuck ya, LETS GO!" And then they sang the Me-cha-mo-cha. The End.

BROKE JOKE$

The good thing about having a credit card is like at least I don’t have to see the money leaving my account. Atleast I don’t have to physically participate in the draining of my funds. I don’t have to pay with cash so at least im not counting my money away, like all the money that im fucking wasting. Like... atleast its just like “ oh just take the card, take the card, I don’t even wanna know how much it is, its gonna make me cry, just take the card.” I’d rather pay with the card because its less painful. With each dollar bill I count out, I die a little on the inside.

Do I want a receipt? FUCK YA I DO! You better give me a receipt. And it's not because I'm keeping any records of this, it's because I spent all this money just now so you better give me SOMETHING!

I’m a smart jew. I always save my recepts, spending 52 dollars on pump 4, I’ts like fuck just give me something! you know just give me something to hold on to, a receipt, a candy wrapper, a leaf, anything that’s worth something anything that has some monetary value, just gimme something!